A Year of Spiritual Detours

Last year I was introduced to the teachings of Jiddu Krishnamurti. While his observations struck a deep chord within me, in retrospect I was only capable of relating to his message in a very limited way. This is in part due to the fact that his teachings are indeed quite novel and intellectually challenging, but also because my ego was filtering out a great deal information so as to mould his message to its own egoic patterns. At first this exercise was very stimulating and seemingly enlightening, but the outcome of such a way of relating to his teachings was inevitable- I would only absorb so much and then feel compelled to move on to other forms of “spiritual” stimulation so that my mental patterns would remain sustained and intact. Now, by the latter what I’m actually saying is that I really am usually quite uncomfortable simply being with myself in the present moment, and am almost always finding ways to be anywhere but here, to be anything but what I actually am. Spirituality has been a big part of my identity for a very long time, but over the past year this aspect of my ego really intensified and became the central theme of much of my thinking. I moved from K to Mooji and then found myself deeply immersed in the teachings of the many non-duality teachers who share their messages online and in many books that I read. Now, this wasn’t all for naught. My growing knowledge enabled a much deeper understanding of spiritual teachings and texts, from contemporary teachers to Buddhist, Taoist and Vedic scriptures.  I also became intuitively aware of certain perspectives which I’m sure will continue to shape my perception in meaningful ways. For these things I am grateful. But my growing understanding also further solidified my belief in some ideal alternative state to be attained, hence increasing the belief that I can be and am supposed to be something different than what I actually am. By placing increasing importance on a non-dual ideal I was actually feeding my dualistic thinking. And so I experienced a growing state of division inside. This growing division was at first more of a subconscious process, however I’ve become increasingly aware of the actuality of what is occurring and now see a serious need to address this division in a more honest and grounded way. One of my main goals over the past year, after all, has been to heal inner division, even while I was actually feeding it. With growing inward division comes growing outward hypocrisy (paraphrasing K), and instead of becoming a more authentic person I found myself increasingly compelled to wear the mask I have so desperately longed to discard.             Last night I decided to go back to Freedom from the Known. I went to the specific chapters relevant to what I feel I am particularly struggling with, and instead of the mostly abstract spiritual perspectives I’ve been so immersed in, I found K was addressing me, as I truly am. Instead of abstract spiritual concepts of a transcendent self that actually isn’t my experience of self at this time (despite glimpses of expanded awareness), I found words addressing my current struggle as a human being, along with a message that urges me to be with myself in the present moment and really see what’s actually happening. So long as we are seeking to become other than what we are, believing our current state is merely something to be transcended or improved, how can we be truly present with ourselves? How can we be present enough to see ourselves and others clearly, in this moment, and allow for compassion to arise as a natural response to the fear and suffering that are at the root of our divisive and self-defeating beliefs and behaviours? I look at myself and see that I continually run from the present.  I have become deeply dissatisfied with myself and seek comfort in a variety of ways, which ultimately stops me from being present with myself and finally understanding what it is that I’m running from and why I’m running. My growing understanding of psychology and spirituality has made me increasingly aware of my inner workings as an individual, but without a framework of truth such awareness can easily lead one astray, either into despair or a newly glorified identity that is even more of a barrier to authenticity and presence. It seems to me K’s teachings are uniquely grounded in such a framework of truth, and that they have a unique capacity to point us to the truth in this moment, which is the truth of who we are as individuals and as a society.  I’ve come back to K a number of times over the past year, but it seems I am only now finally aware enough to read his teachings and say “Yes” from a place of honest agreement. This “yes” involves a clearer seeing of myself in the present, including both the loving and unloving aspects of myself, as an individual and a connected part of a much larger system. I am deeply grateful to all the teachers out there who speak from a place of awareness, and while I might question the value of different approaches, certainly I have received valuable gems of wisdom from many sources. I have deepest respect for many of these teachers, whose wisdom resonates with me on a deep level. Indeed, I think it would be impossible for me to abandon certain truths that have come into my awareness as a result of these teachers. It’s just that I need to remain vigilantly mindful of what’s actually driving me in this and other realms of my life if I am not to continue leading myself astray, and it seems to me that K’s teachings are unsurpassed in their ability to help me stay on track in this way. Ultimately, the goal is still greater peace and greater awareness, but I can only work with what is actually happening in the present, in this complex and beautiful and messy present that is my current experience as a human being. JR *I understand this is a very lengthy piece, however I felt the need to express myself fully and this length was required for me to do so. Thank you very much if you took the time to read it. Cheers!