Self-Inquiry with Hillary Rodrigues, May 14, 2026
We met at the Pavilion at Gorge Park for another open dialogue gathering with Hillary. After a short period of silence, he invited everyone to listen carefully to one another and also to observe their own inner reactions as the dialogue unfolded.
One participant brought up the question of seeking and change, as Krishnamurti suggested that people may not actually want fundamental change, even while seeking it through spiritual practices, books, retreats, or experiences. This opened a long inquiry into the nature of seeking itself. Are we genuinely searching for the unknown, or simply moving from one familiar comfort to another in the hope of feeling better? Krishnamurti’s invitation to “stay with what is” was mentioned again. As Hillary noted, “The moment you want to move towards better, you’re already caught in psychological time.”
One participant spoke openly about years of self-criticism and the painful inner voices that remained long after receiving judgments from family members. The dialogue then moved into questions of conditioning, self-image, and attack thoughts. The conversation explored the possibility of simply observing them as they appear, without resistance or condemnation, but rather with curiosity.
Several participants shared practical experiences of this kind of observation. One person described noticing an inner voice urging them to “focus” and “pull yourself together,” then suddenly asking, “Who is speaking?” In that brief moment, the usual psychological veil seemed to fall away, leaving only direct perception and a sense of spaciousness. Someone shared an experience from attending a silent Vipassana retreat and gradually seeing how thoughts, bodily sensations, judgments, and reactions are all interconnected. Through silent observation, irritation toward another retreat participant unexpectedly transformed into compassion.
Another participant reflected on time spent in Buddhist monasteries, noting that even spiritual environments are still deeply human, shaped by hierarchy, personality, and struggle. The image of enlightenment as a perfect or permanent state was questioned repeatedly throughout the afternoon.
Toward the end, the atmosphere became lighter again, moving between humour and reflection. There was discussion of impermanence on a cosmic scale — the eventual death of the sun, colliding galaxies, and the vastness of the universe — which brought laughter as well as perspective on the seriousness of our personal dramas.
The gathering closed warmly, with gratitude for the openness of the dialogue and encouragement to continue observing the movement of thought, feeling, and conditioning in daily life.
- Anastasia Shtamina
